A few days ago, Sunday I believe it was, I was on the phone with The Boss Man; it was around 11 in the am. The following conversation took place:
In a teasing voice I said: Leave me alone, I'm eatin' my cake.
In a serious voice the Boss Man said: Cake for breakfast? That's not healthy.
Me, desperate for cake: It's a mid-morning dessert.
The Boss Man, laughing (I love his laugh.): Did you eat anything before the cake?
Me, in the voice I use when I lie: Yes.
The Boss Man, laughing harder: It's not a dessert unless you eat something before it.
Me, shoving bites of cake into my mouth: I plead the fifth.
The Boss Man, laughing even harder: There is no fifth in this relationship. What I say goes.
Me, sighing and harrumphing: I like cake.
I agree with Bill Cosby though. Cake has eggs, milk, and all the other important food groups. So there ya have it. I was shot down on mid-morning desserts.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Bubble of Air
While at my aunt's today I started getting really agitated. When I get agitated I have a tendency to withdraw into myself. The Boss Man was cyber slap and tickling me, which had the desired affect of making me feel better. I started thinking, never a good thing for me, and my thoughts started to make me feel alone, like I was the only person in the world.
I know we aren't the only couple in the world doing this, but I feel so isolated from my family because they don't know. My friends don't know we do this. Only you, my invisible readers, know about this thing we do, and you don't actually know us. Well, you might, but unless we trade names, I won't know if you know me, so for the sake of my sanity and this long rambling sentence, I'm going to pretend you don't know us. Soon though, you will know more about us than our friends.
What does that say about my friends, about me, and about you? I can't help but wonder what our friends would say/do/think if we tell them. Likewise, our families...
In other news, The Boss Man said he was proud of me for posting it. I wasn't going to. It was very painful to write. It had me in tears, and my brain was screaming at me to delete it and move on with my life. The Boss Man says my heart wanted to post it. The only reason I posted it was by accident. I was trying to hit the "Save Now" button so I could send it to The Boss Man to read, but my cursor slipped. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to post it, and that's why I hit the button. Whatever the reason, I did it, and I'm not going to delete it.
Speaking of The Boss Man you should check out his blog. He's a much better writer than I.
I know we aren't the only couple in the world doing this, but I feel so isolated from my family because they don't know. My friends don't know we do this. Only you, my invisible readers, know about this thing we do, and you don't actually know us. Well, you might, but unless we trade names, I won't know if you know me, so for the sake of my sanity and this long rambling sentence, I'm going to pretend you don't know us. Soon though, you will know more about us than our friends.
What does that say about my friends, about me, and about you? I can't help but wonder what our friends would say/do/think if we tell them. Likewise, our families...
In other news, The Boss Man said he was proud of me for posting it. I wasn't going to. It was very painful to write. It had me in tears, and my brain was screaming at me to delete it and move on with my life. The Boss Man says my heart wanted to post it. The only reason I posted it was by accident. I was trying to hit the "Save Now" button so I could send it to The Boss Man to read, but my cursor slipped. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to post it, and that's why I hit the button. Whatever the reason, I did it, and I'm not going to delete it.
Speaking of The Boss Man you should check out his blog. He's a much better writer than I.
A Thirteen Letter Word
While I was at school I became... ill. I was physically sick for a little while, but most of it was psychosomatic (13 letter word by the way). I was, still am, depressed. I found out less than a week before I was to go back to school that I had rheumatoid arthritis, and I probably had it for several years. If it was just the RA, I would've been fine, but the doctors, for reasons unknown to me, wanted to keep testing my blood. They started throwing around scary words like lupus, and I let myself shut down. My mom handled all the details, and I just stuck my arm out for the needle. Needless to say, I don't handle stress well.
I know it had to be tough on The Boss Man, but we never really talked about it. We still haven't really talked about it. I honestly don't remember much about the time after the doctor gave me the test results. There's one thing I do really really well and that is protecting myself. I'm very good at that. If I feel I'm being hurt or threatened, I lash out. I drive the offending party away. Even as I write this, the me that is me is running screaming in the opposite direction, trying to force me to follow.
Because I'm so very good at keeping myself locked away, safe and sound, I don't like losing control. I hold so tight to my control it's hard for me to do certain things. Things like, standing with my back to a door, window, or people, letting myself be touched, letting the person who does my hair wash it, or cut it. Something about having somebody stand behind me with scissors sets off every warning bell I have, and I spend the entire time so tense I can barely move when she's done.
So, knowing all this, imagine how hard it is to trust someone who lives 300 miles away. I'm not exaggerating when I say I am hell on our relationship. Trust doesn't come easily to me, and trusting The Boss Man is a whole hell of a lot harder than trusting the lady who cuts my hair. The difference between him and her is he's 300 miles away, out of my control. He could be doing all sorts of stuffs I'd rather not think about, and I wouldn't even know. I'd have know way of knowing. I know he's not. He's sitting on the other end of a Skype call playing some game I will never understand.
I did have a point to this post. I'm not just talking to here myself talk. I believe what I was trying to say was, I know The Boss Man's that elusive "one". Who else would stick with all the hell and abuse I put him through in the beginning our relationship. When The Boss Man found out about my past, he didn't judge me, he wrapped his telephone arms around me, and held me close. When he set me down and told me I had to stop what I was doing because no matter what he was never going to leave, I knew I was stuck with him.
Anything psychosomatic deals with the affect the brain has over the body. Rene Descartes said, "I think therefore I am." Psychosomatic. Well, for me it's not just the brain. My heart and brain are at war with each other. My heart is leading me down a path towards The Boss Man, while my brain is yanking me away from all the potential hurt. If any of you, dear readers, watch Modern Family, you may remember the episode where Hayley broke up with Dylan. Phil Dunphy had a rare insightful moment when he said, "I know it hurts now sweetheart, but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having."
Sure he was talking about the two of them being broken up, but I think he's on to something. So, I'm telling my brain to shut it, and just let my heart feel, whether it's good or bad.
I know it had to be tough on The Boss Man, but we never really talked about it. We still haven't really talked about it. I honestly don't remember much about the time after the doctor gave me the test results. There's one thing I do really really well and that is protecting myself. I'm very good at that. If I feel I'm being hurt or threatened, I lash out. I drive the offending party away. Even as I write this, the me that is me is running screaming in the opposite direction, trying to force me to follow.
Because I'm so very good at keeping myself locked away, safe and sound, I don't like losing control. I hold so tight to my control it's hard for me to do certain things. Things like, standing with my back to a door, window, or people, letting myself be touched, letting the person who does my hair wash it, or cut it. Something about having somebody stand behind me with scissors sets off every warning bell I have, and I spend the entire time so tense I can barely move when she's done.
So, knowing all this, imagine how hard it is to trust someone who lives 300 miles away. I'm not exaggerating when I say I am hell on our relationship. Trust doesn't come easily to me, and trusting The Boss Man is a whole hell of a lot harder than trusting the lady who cuts my hair. The difference between him and her is he's 300 miles away, out of my control. He could be doing all sorts of stuffs I'd rather not think about, and I wouldn't even know. I'd have know way of knowing. I know he's not. He's sitting on the other end of a Skype call playing some game I will never understand.
I did have a point to this post. I'm not just talking to here myself talk. I believe what I was trying to say was, I know The Boss Man's that elusive "one". Who else would stick with all the hell and abuse I put him through in the beginning our relationship. When The Boss Man found out about my past, he didn't judge me, he wrapped his telephone arms around me, and held me close. When he set me down and told me I had to stop what I was doing because no matter what he was never going to leave, I knew I was stuck with him.
Anything psychosomatic deals with the affect the brain has over the body. Rene Descartes said, "I think therefore I am." Psychosomatic. Well, for me it's not just the brain. My heart and brain are at war with each other. My heart is leading me down a path towards The Boss Man, while my brain is yanking me away from all the potential hurt. If any of you, dear readers, watch Modern Family, you may remember the episode where Hayley broke up with Dylan. Phil Dunphy had a rare insightful moment when he said, "I know it hurts now sweetheart, but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having."
Sure he was talking about the two of them being broken up, but I think he's on to something. So, I'm telling my brain to shut it, and just let my heart feel, whether it's good or bad.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Giving Thanks
Today is a day for giving thanks. This day is aptly named Thanksgiving. On this day of Thanksgiving, I was pondering the things I'm most thankful for. The Boss Man is number one on my list.
We've dabbled in some bdsm and spanking. I love spanking. I love feeling the Boss Man's hand on my ass. However, we both agreed we didn't want an exclusive bdsm relationship. Getting the Boss Man to agree to spanking, and anything rough, was difficult. He didn't want to hurt me. I started reading the blogs of SugarAnne and B'Man, curious I started researching Domestic Discipline.
I was attracted to being held responsible for my actions. There were times where I would do or say something I knew he wasn't okay with, just to get a reaction out of him. Immediately, I'd feel horrible for hurting him, or angering him, but nothing happened. The Boss Man was hurt or angry. I showed the blogs of SugarAnne and B'Man to the Boss, he read a few post, started doing his own research, and a little bit later, I asked if we could start DD.
He thought about it, and we talked about it. We agreed to try it for one month. Now you might be wondering how we'd be able to do this in a long distance relationship. Enter the Declaration of Grievances. We agreed on a few set rules for when I'm either living on my own, or when we're living together. I have weekly tasks to do during the week, and on weekends I have weekend tasks, plus a few other things I need to do, as defined that morning. After a few more days of planning, and talking about what DD is supposed to be, we decided we were going to do this.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm thankful for the Boss Man, and I'm thankful for DD. I'm thankful for the chance to become a better girlfriend for the Boss Man.
We've dabbled in some bdsm and spanking. I love spanking. I love feeling the Boss Man's hand on my ass. However, we both agreed we didn't want an exclusive bdsm relationship. Getting the Boss Man to agree to spanking, and anything rough, was difficult. He didn't want to hurt me. I started reading the blogs of SugarAnne and B'Man, curious I started researching Domestic Discipline.
I was attracted to being held responsible for my actions. There were times where I would do or say something I knew he wasn't okay with, just to get a reaction out of him. Immediately, I'd feel horrible for hurting him, or angering him, but nothing happened. The Boss Man was hurt or angry. I showed the blogs of SugarAnne and B'Man to the Boss, he read a few post, started doing his own research, and a little bit later, I asked if we could start DD.
He thought about it, and we talked about it. We agreed to try it for one month. Now you might be wondering how we'd be able to do this in a long distance relationship. Enter the Declaration of Grievances. We agreed on a few set rules for when I'm either living on my own, or when we're living together. I have weekly tasks to do during the week, and on weekends I have weekend tasks, plus a few other things I need to do, as defined that morning. After a few more days of planning, and talking about what DD is supposed to be, we decided we were going to do this.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm thankful for the Boss Man, and I'm thankful for DD. I'm thankful for the chance to become a better girlfriend for the Boss Man.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Bum, Bum, Bum
My boyfriend and I have decided to incorporate Domestic Discipline into our relationship. I have been, and I'm not afraid to admit it, not the nicest of girlfriends. I've been rude, disrespectful, and downright mean. The Boss Man set up a two tier system of punishments, Greater and Lesser punishments.
A Lesser offense would be disobeying the Boss Man and not finishing my daily tasks. I don't really have any daily tasks at them moment. Boss Man and I are in a long distance relationship. He lives several states away. When we're finally living together my daily tasks will include things like cleaning, exercising, having dinner ready at a certain time. A Lesser punishment can range from 1 to 10 minutes, with the Boss Man's hand.
A Greater offense would disrespecting the Boss Man and lying. Those are two big no-nos as far as he's concerned. A Greater punishment can range from 5 minutes to the more extreme hour with an implement of his choosing.
Due to us being so far apart, Boss Man created the Declaration of Grievances, which is simply a list of all the wrong I've done, and the punishments that go along with them. He stated that I would have an initiation spanking for all the wrong I've done in the past up to the beginning of the DoG. We did that yesterday.
5 minutes of his hand on my ass turned me into a crying, sobbing mess. The entire time he told me why this was happening, why it needed to happen, and what I needed to do to be better. After my punishment, he wrapped his big strong arms around me, and held me close.
That was only the beginning of the DoG. I am not looking forward to the rest of the DoG.
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