Envy, Immaturity, and Illogicality

I envy my DD sisters a bit. Their punishments happen quite quickly. Me? I have weeks to wait if I get in trouble. Which happens fairly regularly, so by the time I get to see him I will have days of things accumulated. At least he goes easy on me. Typically he'll do one lump punishment, as opposed to each individual one.

The next time I get to see him will (hopefully ish) be December 2nd. I have a punishment waiting on me. 5 hard swats. I stormed out, not on him. Apparently it's disrespectful to him if I get in a disagreement with my family and storm out. Who knew? Certainly not me! Anyway, I stormed out and was gone for about two hours.

I know it's a tad immature to storm out and leave for two hours after getting in a fight with my mother, but there's no privacy here. There are anywhere from six to ten people living here at one time. Yeah... No privacy at all. So, fuming, I left, took a car and drove around for two hours. But never told the Boss Man I was leaving, and I didn't have a phone with me.

I've been trying to come up with a valid reason for cancelling our evening together. Somehow, I don't think me telling him it's because I don't want to be spanked is valid in his eyes, and will probably get me in trouble. I doubt me trying to avoid the heart to heart he's been wanting to have is a valid reason either. The heart to heart? I alluded to something in this post, but never came out and said it. I probably won't. Ever. I will say it was a life altering experience and leave it at that. The Boss Man wants to talk to me, in detail, about everything.

I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it. He insist that talking will help. I just don't know if I'm capable of talking about it. I've put it off, danced around the issue, and he's let me. I don't know how much longer he'll let me though. Logically, I know talking about it will help, but I'm not very logical.

We've talked about everything, to an extent. Boss Man dealt with his end of everything, but mine is much more emotional, and I push it down and away so I don't have to deal with it. I'm going to have to soon though; it's starting to effect everyday life.

So? No good reason to postpone my evening with the Boss Man? Huh? Anyone? Darn, I didn't think so!

On Farm Life

I've mentioned several times how I'm planning on getting a goat. What I haven't mentioned is I have chickens. Only a small flock, about 15 hens. I'm going to be getting about 50 more in the spring. In all our chicken farming we've never had less than 30 hens laying at one time. It's been a rough couple of years.

My chickens live in a chicken tractor. No it's not an actual tractor, it's a movable building that allows me to free range the  birds, while giving them protection, and containing the birds. Several times I've tried putting them in a stationary coop with access to air, fresh grass, and the outside. Every time, my birds were decimated!

My old chicken coop is just an old shed on the farm. It would be a perfect converted barn for the goat at night. Enlisting the help of my Daddy, we started converting the chicken building into a goat barn. In true klutzy form, last night, while cooking, I hurt my hand. I can't hold anything. I can barely move my fingers. It's visibly swollen, and it feels funny. Typing one handed is getting surprisingly easy.

Today, I was going to shovel all the old bedding, and crap, out of the barn, only to find out I can't hold the shovel. So, building is delayed, NaNo is lagging behind, and I'm stuck with icing my hand and laying around the house.

I like lazy days, but when I choose them, not because I can't do anything. I should be use to injury. I handle pain well, when it's in the appropriate area of my ankle. I can't handle pain anywhere else. In fact I'm a downright baby when it comes to pain.

I'm sure my Boss Man will want me to go to the doctor, but I probably won't go. I'll suck it up tomorrow, or Thursday, and start cleaning out the barn.

That's a little bit on my farm life. Now the chickens are cackling. It's time to collect more eggs.

Blocked

Some of you may know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo or NaNo). Basically, you have 30 days to write 50,000 words. That's 1667 words a day. Easy peasy, especially for me.

I love to write. I love how freeing it is. I love how I can just escape into whatever world I create. I love frantically trying to make my word goal every night. I love trying to schedule my life around my story.

This year, I have an amazing idea, characters that are lovable and hateable, and a setting so complete I have maps. I know that sounds conceited, but the story is awesome, and I've been planning and refining it since September. Now, I'm five days into NaNo, and I've only got 4700ish words, which is a lot, but not where I need to be. I should be at 8335 words. My hang up? I lost my inspiration. It's frustrating.

I asked my Boss Man for help. He said he'd try, and ask what I needed help with. I told him motivation. Y'all are smart readers, I bet you know where this is headed.




Baby Girl says:
 I have 4759 words. What's my deadline?

Boss Man says:
 I want 5200 by the time you go to sleep.

Baby Girl says:
 That's crazy baby!

Boss Man says:
 Alright, I said 300 so 5059.

Baby Girl says:
 Kay. If I don't make it?

Boss Man says:
 10 hard swats.
At this point I'm starting to get a tad bit nervous. So let's continue.

Baby Girl says:
 When?

Boss Man says:
 Tuesday.

Baby Girl says:
 Kay. Before I go to sleep?

Boss Man says (8:16 PM):
 Yup.

Baby Girl says:
 Okies. Just to be clear. There is no time limit?
I'm starting to think I see away around this. I'm a night owl. I just won't go to bed. I'm blocked anyway, so it won't really matter. If it takes all night to write 300 words.

Boss Man says:
 No, but I want you to get some sleep.

Baby Girl says:
 Do I have to go to sleep?
And now I'm thinking, "Me and my big mouth. If I just let it go, everything will be good."

Boss Man says:
 Yes.

Baby Girl says:
 So I have a time limit. Care to tell me when that is?

Boss Man says:
 3. Watch your tone.
Now I'm extremely nervous.

Baby Girl says:
 I'm sorry.

Boss Man says:
 I love you.

Baby Girl says:
 I love you too.



So, instead of writing like I should be, I'm making a post. I'm a Grade A procrastinator, with no muse, and writer's blocked like never before. I have no idea why I didn't just keep my mouth shut, but I didn't. Here goes me trying to write 300 lousy words. I can do this. I do this in my sleep.

Numbered List Part 1

1. It's late.
2. 
   
3. I can't sleep.
4. 
   
5. The Boss Man is six hours away again.
6. 
   
7. Sometimes I wish we could leave all our responsibilities behind, and just exists.
8. 
   
9. I really want to be in his arms again.
10. 
    
11. It physically hurts when he's so far away, like somebody's ripped my heart open.
12. 
    
13. Skype is wonderful, but it doesn't compare to snuggling.
14. 
    
15. When he's gone, I feel lost.
16. 
    
17. I hate how I've become so dependent on the Boss Man. I use to be very independent, not relying on anyone or anything, and then he comes along.
18. 
    
19. Netflix is addicting.
20. 
    
21. I still haven't found a job.
22. 
    
23. I want a job; I love to work.
24. 
    
25. I'm in the middle of a flare up.
26. 
    
27. I have strep throat symptoms, but it's not strep. I know because I never get a sore throat with strep.
28. 
    
29. My mom is a carrier for strep.
30. 
    
31. I'm prone to strep.
32. 
    
33. Have I mentioned Netflix is addicting? It's taken forever to write anything because I keep getting distracted.
34. 
    
35. I wanna train my goat.
36. 
    
37. I wish my life were normal sometimes.
38. 
    
39. I have an Etsy shop.
40. 
    
41. The Boss Man gave me an order a few days ago, and I didn't get in trouble.
42. 
    
43. Have you ever felt so horrible you can't sleep? I'm there right now.
44. 
    
45. I have huge plans, but no way to pull them off.
46. 
    
47. It's been raining.
48. 
    
49. Rain makes me miss him even more.
50. 
    
51. I can feel the depression looming closer, and I'm afraid. The last time it hit was extremely bad.
52. 
    
53. I hate being taken care of.
54. 
    
55. The Boss Man loves taking care of me.
56. 
    
57. He makes me feel small and delicate.
58. 
    
59. I'm going to learn to shoot a gun.
60. 
    
61. Starting in November I'm going to write a novel as part of NaNoWriMo.
62. 
    
63. I'm learning to paint in watercolors.
64. 
    
65. I love to bake cakes, but absolutely HATE baking cookies.
66. 
    
67. My favorite cookie is the Ginger Snap.
68. 
    
69. I hear a mouse.

And now, I think I'm going to try and sleep for a few hours.

A(lmost) New Critter

I believe I've said that I live on my families farm. On this farm, we have chickens, dogs, cats, our veggie and herb garden, and that's pretty much it. We'll we're expanding. :)

In a couple of weeks, we're getting a goat. I have a week to build a shelter for him. We're sticking him in an old dog pen, until we can get a fence up, which will hopefully be no more than three weeks after we get him. I'm so excited!!!

In the spring, I'll be getting a female, and I'm going to have a little herd, for my yarn addiction. Of course I'll be making cheese, soaps, and lotions with the milk. I'm going to have my own little store. Just you wait and see!

Not a Morning Person...

Ick, I am not a morning person. I can prove it!

The Boss Man texted this to me this morning:

BABY GIRL!!!!! GOOD MORNING!!!

Me:
Hello. You're morningness sickens me.

Boss Man:
I'm sorry. :( I'm just happy to be texting my Baby Girl.

Me:
Awww. *swoon*

I FUCKIN' WON!!!

I'm so excited I cursed, and I'm not big on cursing. I never win disagreements with the Boss man, but I did last night! Okay, lemme start from the beginning.

Back Story:

The Boss Man gave me two weeks to try and get my panic attacks under control. One week into that, I was grumbling because I'd have an insane amount of attacks during the week. Boss Man urged me to go back to the doctor.

I resisted. When I talked to my doctor, he said if they didn't subside on their own he would prescribe a medication to help with that. However, I couldn't articulate the reason I didn't want to take the meds, when I was conversing about it with the Boss Man. We, erm, I mean, I started arguing with him, and he told me to pause it until after our anniversary.

Sunday, our anniversary:

We went out to dinner and a movie. It was very low key, but amazingly wonderful. =D When my Boss Man dropped me off, he cuddled the puppy, then me, and then he left. We MSNed while he worked on some things that needed to be worked on. I sent him a message saying, I knew he wanted to wait until our anniversary was over, and we had more time to talk about it, but I had something I needed to say. I told him I didn't expect him to respond to what I said immediately, and I was fine with waiting until he had time to process it. He agreed to hear me out.

I told him that taking the meds wouldn't attack the root of the problem. They would only numb me up so I no longer cared about all the stressers, good and bad, in my life. I told him, that I was on meds like that before, and I knew what they did. He said okay, and we went on with our lovey dovey anniversary gooyiness.

Tuesday:

Best Friend, her boyfriend, and I went to see The Lion King 3D. We'd been planning it for about a week, but only definitely made plans the night before. Boss Man was okay with this. He was going to be busy, and he thought it would be a good idea for me to get out. While on the way to the theatre, Boss Man sent me a text saying one of his friends back home had been having panic attacks as well. After a very brief conversation, he sent that his friend didn't want to take the meds or see a therapist either. I replied with, "You will not ruin my night by trying to convince me to see go to the doctor." (He'd already decided he didn't want this to be apart of our DD relationship.) Boss Man said he was fine with me not going back to the doctor. He said that I was right that I knew my body better than any doctor could, and that I was right meds wouldn't take care of the root of the problem.

I replied with, "What do you think I should do? So I win?" He replied with, "I think you'll find a way to live with it and I'll help in whatever way I can. Yes."

WHOO!!! I WON!!! **Happy Dance!!!**