Saturday, February 19, 2011

Screw the Butterflies

In a matter of hours, I'm going to be in my Boss Man's arms again. I've primped and purtied myself as much as I can primp and get purty. I look like a girl again in fact. All I have left to do is my hair, and I refuse to make my hair pretty before I go to work.

There are butterflies in my stomach, and frogs, lots and lots of frogs. Screw the butterflies. The frogs consumed them all jumping around like crazy. I don't know why I get so nervous. I know, as soon as he walks threw the door and wraps his arms around me, everything will be perfect. Better than perfect, in fact it will be stupendously amazingly awesomely awesome. And I can't wait.

I can't wait for him to whisper in my ear that he loves me. I can't wait for him to wrap his arms tight around me. I can't wait to hear his laugh. I can't wait to see him smile at me when he thinks I'm not looking. I can't wait to hold his hands. I can't wait to put both my hands into one of his.

I can't wait to be home again.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Better Than I

My Boss Man is coming to see me next weekend. =D Finally. We've been apart for several months, and it sucks. What sucks even more is the problem I have. I have a tendency to become very snappish, and to create problems before he gets here, as I said in my last post.

The Boss Man and I were talking a few nights ago, and I asked what he'd planned for the trip. He told me he hadn't planned much, but we were going to do one of the punishments I've racked up. I got to thinking about it, and I think, I'd be less likely to act out if my punishments were immediate. Then I realize I'd probably still be my stubborn, hard-headed self.

The last few days have been particularly hard. I haven't gotten much done, haven't had much time to breathe, let alone do anything. In the past three days, I've been sick, hit a neighbor's dog, and pulled the muscles in my right thigh. I can still barely walk on it. Being sick had nothing to do with hitting the neighbor's dog, but hitting the neighbor's dog had everything to do with pulling the muscles in my thigh. The dog is okay by the way; she didn't even have any broken bones. :) During all this, I did some major screaming and yelling at my Boss Man.

When I finally asked how much trouble I was in, he said, "None." I'm glad, but I still feel terrible for the way I was treating him. Now, I have proof that my Boss Man is a much better person than I am. Instead of holding a grudge like I would, he stayed up late for me last night, and sang me to sleep.

The Boss Man is an incredible musician and singer. He has the most amazing voice. He hasn't sung for me in awhile. He hasn't sung in general in awhile. It was nice to hear. I was able to fall asleep listening to my song, the song he wrote for me.

Thank you, baby, and I'm sorry for the way I've been acting the last few days.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

No One To Blame

I have no reason to feel like this. With everything going on, I should be happy. Everything is going my way for once, but there's something, rather someone, missing. The last couple of days, the Boss Man and I haven't had much time to talk, and I can feel it. I can feel the emptiness between us. I know this rift is caused by me.

In 12 days, the Boss Man and I will be together, and I'll be able to curl up in his arms and get a full nights sleep since the last time we were together. The closer the 19th gets here, the more anxious I get. Worries that I'm not going to be how he remembers me crowd my head. Worries that I'm not going to be pretty enough or good enough push through my common sense. The more worried and afraid I get, the more stubborn and cantankerous I become. Instead of picking fights with the Boss Man, which I have a history of doing, I pull away.

This is how I know I'm the one causing the rift in our relationship. It's my own damned fault, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I know, logically, I'm perfect for the Boss Man, but people are not logical. I know when the Boss Man gets here, he'll wrap his arms around me, pull me in close, kiss me passionately, and all other thoughts slash worries slash everything will fly right out the window. I know when the Boss Man gets here, everything will be okay. I know this logically, but emotionally I'm going to push and push and push until he gives me space, or I rip my space from his hands forcefully.

I have no reason to feel so torn up about his visit. I know everything is going to be fine, and I know if I'd stop this awful circle I'm caught in, everything will be fine, but here I am spinning like a hamster in a wheel.

And now I'll stop rambling. :)