No One To Blame

I have no reason to feel like this. With everything going on, I should be happy. Everything is going my way for once, but there's something, rather someone, missing. The last couple of days, the Boss Man and I haven't had much time to talk, and I can feel it. I can feel the emptiness between us. I know this rift is caused by me.

In 12 days, the Boss Man and I will be together, and I'll be able to curl up in his arms and get a full nights sleep since the last time we were together. The closer the 19th gets here, the more anxious I get. Worries that I'm not going to be how he remembers me crowd my head. Worries that I'm not going to be pretty enough or good enough push through my common sense. The more worried and afraid I get, the more stubborn and cantankerous I become. Instead of picking fights with the Boss Man, which I have a history of doing, I pull away.

This is how I know I'm the one causing the rift in our relationship. It's my own damned fault, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I know, logically, I'm perfect for the Boss Man, but people are not logical. I know when the Boss Man gets here, he'll wrap his arms around me, pull me in close, kiss me passionately, and all other thoughts slash worries slash everything will fly right out the window. I know when the Boss Man gets here, everything will be okay. I know this logically, but emotionally I'm going to push and push and push until he gives me space, or I rip my space from his hands forcefully.

I have no reason to feel so torn up about his visit. I know everything is going to be fine, and I know if I'd stop this awful circle I'm caught in, everything will be fine, but here I am spinning like a hamster in a wheel.

And now I'll stop rambling. :)