I FUCKIN' WON!!!

I'm so excited I cursed, and I'm not big on cursing. I never win disagreements with the Boss man, but I did last night! Okay, lemme start from the beginning.

Back Story:

The Boss Man gave me two weeks to try and get my panic attacks under control. One week into that, I was grumbling because I'd have an insane amount of attacks during the week. Boss Man urged me to go back to the doctor.

I resisted. When I talked to my doctor, he said if they didn't subside on their own he would prescribe a medication to help with that. However, I couldn't articulate the reason I didn't want to take the meds, when I was conversing about it with the Boss Man. We, erm, I mean, I started arguing with him, and he told me to pause it until after our anniversary.

Sunday, our anniversary:

We went out to dinner and a movie. It was very low key, but amazingly wonderful. =D When my Boss Man dropped me off, he cuddled the puppy, then me, and then he left. We MSNed while he worked on some things that needed to be worked on. I sent him a message saying, I knew he wanted to wait until our anniversary was over, and we had more time to talk about it, but I had something I needed to say. I told him I didn't expect him to respond to what I said immediately, and I was fine with waiting until he had time to process it. He agreed to hear me out.

I told him that taking the meds wouldn't attack the root of the problem. They would only numb me up so I no longer cared about all the stressers, good and bad, in my life. I told him, that I was on meds like that before, and I knew what they did. He said okay, and we went on with our lovey dovey anniversary gooyiness.

Tuesday:

Best Friend, her boyfriend, and I went to see The Lion King 3D. We'd been planning it for about a week, but only definitely made plans the night before. Boss Man was okay with this. He was going to be busy, and he thought it would be a good idea for me to get out. While on the way to the theatre, Boss Man sent me a text saying one of his friends back home had been having panic attacks as well. After a very brief conversation, he sent that his friend didn't want to take the meds or see a therapist either. I replied with, "You will not ruin my night by trying to convince me to see go to the doctor." (He'd already decided he didn't want this to be apart of our DD relationship.) Boss Man said he was fine with me not going back to the doctor. He said that I was right that I knew my body better than any doctor could, and that I was right meds wouldn't take care of the root of the problem.

I replied with, "What do you think I should do? So I win?" He replied with, "I think you'll find a way to live with it and I'll help in whatever way I can. Yes."

WHOO!!! I WON!!! **Happy Dance!!!**

Never Forget... Always Remember

I remember exactly where I was at on 9/11. I remember how I felt watching the news. I remember the feeling of utter devastation surrounding my family and friends. I can remember with perfect clarity how confused and lost I felt. I remember how scared and worried I was, and still am, for my friends in the military. I can remember all of this, and I never want to forget. 


I have no doubt I will always remember.

Snow Globe

I've been trying to be positive, but in reality I'm a pessimist, a worry wort. Lately, I've been second guessing my gut, which I've never done before. As a matter of fact, I will drive a hundred miles out of my way, if that's what my gut instinct tells me to do. Obviously, I've gotten sick in the past, but, instead of blaming everything else, I just let it roll off my back. I'm sick; at least my immune system is getting strengthened. 

Ever since my RA diagnosis, it's like everything has changed. My whole world, my sense of myself, was turned upside down, shaken like a snow globe, and then flipped back around so the tiny, fragile pieces would fall back into place. But they didn't fall back into place. Instead, everything has been landing haphazardly, and not where they once were. After that trip to the doctor, my whole life has been one upset after another.

I can't relax. I can't help but worry about what's coming next. When am I going to find a job? Should I just go back to school? A puppy? What am I going to do with a puppy? How am I going to afford food? Toys? Vet bills? He needs to be neutered, how can I afford that?  What about my gerbils, cat, and other dog? Will the Boss Man and I be okay? How will the move effect us? Are we going to have time for each other? He's so close, but so far away? Will I What am I going to do? How am I going to do it? Questions and thoughts are racing through my mind, and I can't stop them. I can't relax. I can't think. I can't do anything but worry.

Look, do you see that? What is that thing falling? If you guessed the next piece of my life falling into a place it doesn't belong, you'd be right. I'm having panic attacks. At least once a day for a week. On my list of things to worry about, here's another one. The panic attacks are so bad, everything just shuts down. My whole body starts tingling, my mind goes blank, my heart starts racing, I start shaking uncontrollably, and all I want to do is run, but I'm incapable of moving.

The first time it happened I was driving. I had to pull over onto the side of the road, and try not to lose it completely. I thought I was dying. I can't remember being so scared in my entire life. And then it was over. All traces of panic just fled, and I was left on the side of the road as if nothing ever happened. Now I can't stop worrying about having another attack, or when it'll happen, or where I'll be, which induces another attack.

Now where does that leave me? If you figure it out, let me know. I have no doubt, I'll be okay, eventually. But until that point, I feel like I'm free falling. I know the Boss Man will catch me. I know he's there for me. But I also know he's super busy, and I don't want to bother him. He's aware of everything that's going on, and I'm going to get to see him Sunday, so maybe that'll help.

Alphie

I have an adorable new dog. He's a pekapoo (pekingese and poodle hybrid)! When I sent the picture to the Boss Man he texted back, "Holy freaking crap he's cute." His name is Alphie. Are you ready for the adorableness after the jump?