Snow Globe

I've been trying to be positive, but in reality I'm a pessimist, a worry wort. Lately, I've been second guessing my gut, which I've never done before. As a matter of fact, I will drive a hundred miles out of my way, if that's what my gut instinct tells me to do. Obviously, I've gotten sick in the past, but, instead of blaming everything else, I just let it roll off my back. I'm sick; at least my immune system is getting strengthened. 

Ever since my RA diagnosis, it's like everything has changed. My whole world, my sense of myself, was turned upside down, shaken like a snow globe, and then flipped back around so the tiny, fragile pieces would fall back into place. But they didn't fall back into place. Instead, everything has been landing haphazardly, and not where they once were. After that trip to the doctor, my whole life has been one upset after another.

I can't relax. I can't help but worry about what's coming next. When am I going to find a job? Should I just go back to school? A puppy? What am I going to do with a puppy? How am I going to afford food? Toys? Vet bills? He needs to be neutered, how can I afford that?  What about my gerbils, cat, and other dog? Will the Boss Man and I be okay? How will the move effect us? Are we going to have time for each other? He's so close, but so far away? Will I What am I going to do? How am I going to do it? Questions and thoughts are racing through my mind, and I can't stop them. I can't relax. I can't think. I can't do anything but worry.

Look, do you see that? What is that thing falling? If you guessed the next piece of my life falling into a place it doesn't belong, you'd be right. I'm having panic attacks. At least once a day for a week. On my list of things to worry about, here's another one. The panic attacks are so bad, everything just shuts down. My whole body starts tingling, my mind goes blank, my heart starts racing, I start shaking uncontrollably, and all I want to do is run, but I'm incapable of moving.

The first time it happened I was driving. I had to pull over onto the side of the road, and try not to lose it completely. I thought I was dying. I can't remember being so scared in my entire life. And then it was over. All traces of panic just fled, and I was left on the side of the road as if nothing ever happened. Now I can't stop worrying about having another attack, or when it'll happen, or where I'll be, which induces another attack.

Now where does that leave me? If you figure it out, let me know. I have no doubt, I'll be okay, eventually. But until that point, I feel like I'm free falling. I know the Boss Man will catch me. I know he's there for me. But I also know he's super busy, and I don't want to bother him. He's aware of everything that's going on, and I'm going to get to see him Sunday, so maybe that'll help.