Envy, Immaturity, and Illogicality

I envy my DD sisters a bit. Their punishments happen quite quickly. Me? I have weeks to wait if I get in trouble. Which happens fairly regularly, so by the time I get to see him I will have days of things accumulated. At least he goes easy on me. Typically he'll do one lump punishment, as opposed to each individual one.

The next time I get to see him will (hopefully ish) be December 2nd. I have a punishment waiting on me. 5 hard swats. I stormed out, not on him. Apparently it's disrespectful to him if I get in a disagreement with my family and storm out. Who knew? Certainly not me! Anyway, I stormed out and was gone for about two hours.

I know it's a tad immature to storm out and leave for two hours after getting in a fight with my mother, but there's no privacy here. There are anywhere from six to ten people living here at one time. Yeah... No privacy at all. So, fuming, I left, took a car and drove around for two hours. But never told the Boss Man I was leaving, and I didn't have a phone with me.

I've been trying to come up with a valid reason for cancelling our evening together. Somehow, I don't think me telling him it's because I don't want to be spanked is valid in his eyes, and will probably get me in trouble. I doubt me trying to avoid the heart to heart he's been wanting to have is a valid reason either. The heart to heart? I alluded to something in this post, but never came out and said it. I probably won't. Ever. I will say it was a life altering experience and leave it at that. The Boss Man wants to talk to me, in detail, about everything.

I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it. He insist that talking will help. I just don't know if I'm capable of talking about it. I've put it off, danced around the issue, and he's let me. I don't know how much longer he'll let me though. Logically, I know talking about it will help, but I'm not very logical.

We've talked about everything, to an extent. Boss Man dealt with his end of everything, but mine is much more emotional, and I push it down and away so I don't have to deal with it. I'm going to have to soon though; it's starting to effect everyday life.

So? No good reason to postpone my evening with the Boss Man? Huh? Anyone? Darn, I didn't think so!

On Farm Life

I've mentioned several times how I'm planning on getting a goat. What I haven't mentioned is I have chickens. Only a small flock, about 15 hens. I'm going to be getting about 50 more in the spring. In all our chicken farming we've never had less than 30 hens laying at one time. It's been a rough couple of years.

My chickens live in a chicken tractor. No it's not an actual tractor, it's a movable building that allows me to free range the  birds, while giving them protection, and containing the birds. Several times I've tried putting them in a stationary coop with access to air, fresh grass, and the outside. Every time, my birds were decimated!

My old chicken coop is just an old shed on the farm. It would be a perfect converted barn for the goat at night. Enlisting the help of my Daddy, we started converting the chicken building into a goat barn. In true klutzy form, last night, while cooking, I hurt my hand. I can't hold anything. I can barely move my fingers. It's visibly swollen, and it feels funny. Typing one handed is getting surprisingly easy.

Today, I was going to shovel all the old bedding, and crap, out of the barn, only to find out I can't hold the shovel. So, building is delayed, NaNo is lagging behind, and I'm stuck with icing my hand and laying around the house.

I like lazy days, but when I choose them, not because I can't do anything. I should be use to injury. I handle pain well, when it's in the appropriate area of my ankle. I can't handle pain anywhere else. In fact I'm a downright baby when it comes to pain.

I'm sure my Boss Man will want me to go to the doctor, but I probably won't go. I'll suck it up tomorrow, or Thursday, and start cleaning out the barn.

That's a little bit on my farm life. Now the chickens are cackling. It's time to collect more eggs.

Blocked

Some of you may know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo or NaNo). Basically, you have 30 days to write 50,000 words. That's 1667 words a day. Easy peasy, especially for me.

I love to write. I love how freeing it is. I love how I can just escape into whatever world I create. I love frantically trying to make my word goal every night. I love trying to schedule my life around my story.

This year, I have an amazing idea, characters that are lovable and hateable, and a setting so complete I have maps. I know that sounds conceited, but the story is awesome, and I've been planning and refining it since September. Now, I'm five days into NaNo, and I've only got 4700ish words, which is a lot, but not where I need to be. I should be at 8335 words. My hang up? I lost my inspiration. It's frustrating.

I asked my Boss Man for help. He said he'd try, and ask what I needed help with. I told him motivation. Y'all are smart readers, I bet you know where this is headed.




Baby Girl says:
 I have 4759 words. What's my deadline?

Boss Man says:
 I want 5200 by the time you go to sleep.

Baby Girl says:
 That's crazy baby!

Boss Man says:
 Alright, I said 300 so 5059.

Baby Girl says:
 Kay. If I don't make it?

Boss Man says:
 10 hard swats.
At this point I'm starting to get a tad bit nervous. So let's continue.

Baby Girl says:
 When?

Boss Man says:
 Tuesday.

Baby Girl says:
 Kay. Before I go to sleep?

Boss Man says (8:16 PM):
 Yup.

Baby Girl says:
 Okies. Just to be clear. There is no time limit?
I'm starting to think I see away around this. I'm a night owl. I just won't go to bed. I'm blocked anyway, so it won't really matter. If it takes all night to write 300 words.

Boss Man says:
 No, but I want you to get some sleep.

Baby Girl says:
 Do I have to go to sleep?
And now I'm thinking, "Me and my big mouth. If I just let it go, everything will be good."

Boss Man says:
 Yes.

Baby Girl says:
 So I have a time limit. Care to tell me when that is?

Boss Man says:
 3. Watch your tone.
Now I'm extremely nervous.

Baby Girl says:
 I'm sorry.

Boss Man says:
 I love you.

Baby Girl says:
 I love you too.



So, instead of writing like I should be, I'm making a post. I'm a Grade A procrastinator, with no muse, and writer's blocked like never before. I have no idea why I didn't just keep my mouth shut, but I didn't. Here goes me trying to write 300 lousy words. I can do this. I do this in my sleep.

Numbered List Part 1

1. It's late.
2. 
   
3. I can't sleep.
4. 
   
5. The Boss Man is six hours away again.
6. 
   
7. Sometimes I wish we could leave all our responsibilities behind, and just exists.
8. 
   
9. I really want to be in his arms again.
10. 
    
11. It physically hurts when he's so far away, like somebody's ripped my heart open.
12. 
    
13. Skype is wonderful, but it doesn't compare to snuggling.
14. 
    
15. When he's gone, I feel lost.
16. 
    
17. I hate how I've become so dependent on the Boss Man. I use to be very independent, not relying on anyone or anything, and then he comes along.
18. 
    
19. Netflix is addicting.
20. 
    
21. I still haven't found a job.
22. 
    
23. I want a job; I love to work.
24. 
    
25. I'm in the middle of a flare up.
26. 
    
27. I have strep throat symptoms, but it's not strep. I know because I never get a sore throat with strep.
28. 
    
29. My mom is a carrier for strep.
30. 
    
31. I'm prone to strep.
32. 
    
33. Have I mentioned Netflix is addicting? It's taken forever to write anything because I keep getting distracted.
34. 
    
35. I wanna train my goat.
36. 
    
37. I wish my life were normal sometimes.
38. 
    
39. I have an Etsy shop.
40. 
    
41. The Boss Man gave me an order a few days ago, and I didn't get in trouble.
42. 
    
43. Have you ever felt so horrible you can't sleep? I'm there right now.
44. 
    
45. I have huge plans, but no way to pull them off.
46. 
    
47. It's been raining.
48. 
    
49. Rain makes me miss him even more.
50. 
    
51. I can feel the depression looming closer, and I'm afraid. The last time it hit was extremely bad.
52. 
    
53. I hate being taken care of.
54. 
    
55. The Boss Man loves taking care of me.
56. 
    
57. He makes me feel small and delicate.
58. 
    
59. I'm going to learn to shoot a gun.
60. 
    
61. Starting in November I'm going to write a novel as part of NaNoWriMo.
62. 
    
63. I'm learning to paint in watercolors.
64. 
    
65. I love to bake cakes, but absolutely HATE baking cookies.
66. 
    
67. My favorite cookie is the Ginger Snap.
68. 
    
69. I hear a mouse.

And now, I think I'm going to try and sleep for a few hours.

A(lmost) New Critter

I believe I've said that I live on my families farm. On this farm, we have chickens, dogs, cats, our veggie and herb garden, and that's pretty much it. We'll we're expanding. :)

In a couple of weeks, we're getting a goat. I have a week to build a shelter for him. We're sticking him in an old dog pen, until we can get a fence up, which will hopefully be no more than three weeks after we get him. I'm so excited!!!

In the spring, I'll be getting a female, and I'm going to have a little herd, for my yarn addiction. Of course I'll be making cheese, soaps, and lotions with the milk. I'm going to have my own little store. Just you wait and see!

Not a Morning Person...

Ick, I am not a morning person. I can prove it!

The Boss Man texted this to me this morning:

BABY GIRL!!!!! GOOD MORNING!!!

Me:
Hello. You're morningness sickens me.

Boss Man:
I'm sorry. :( I'm just happy to be texting my Baby Girl.

Me:
Awww. *swoon*

I FUCKIN' WON!!!

I'm so excited I cursed, and I'm not big on cursing. I never win disagreements with the Boss man, but I did last night! Okay, lemme start from the beginning.

Back Story:

The Boss Man gave me two weeks to try and get my panic attacks under control. One week into that, I was grumbling because I'd have an insane amount of attacks during the week. Boss Man urged me to go back to the doctor.

I resisted. When I talked to my doctor, he said if they didn't subside on their own he would prescribe a medication to help with that. However, I couldn't articulate the reason I didn't want to take the meds, when I was conversing about it with the Boss Man. We, erm, I mean, I started arguing with him, and he told me to pause it until after our anniversary.

Sunday, our anniversary:

We went out to dinner and a movie. It was very low key, but amazingly wonderful. =D When my Boss Man dropped me off, he cuddled the puppy, then me, and then he left. We MSNed while he worked on some things that needed to be worked on. I sent him a message saying, I knew he wanted to wait until our anniversary was over, and we had more time to talk about it, but I had something I needed to say. I told him I didn't expect him to respond to what I said immediately, and I was fine with waiting until he had time to process it. He agreed to hear me out.

I told him that taking the meds wouldn't attack the root of the problem. They would only numb me up so I no longer cared about all the stressers, good and bad, in my life. I told him, that I was on meds like that before, and I knew what they did. He said okay, and we went on with our lovey dovey anniversary gooyiness.

Tuesday:

Best Friend, her boyfriend, and I went to see The Lion King 3D. We'd been planning it for about a week, but only definitely made plans the night before. Boss Man was okay with this. He was going to be busy, and he thought it would be a good idea for me to get out. While on the way to the theatre, Boss Man sent me a text saying one of his friends back home had been having panic attacks as well. After a very brief conversation, he sent that his friend didn't want to take the meds or see a therapist either. I replied with, "You will not ruin my night by trying to convince me to see go to the doctor." (He'd already decided he didn't want this to be apart of our DD relationship.) Boss Man said he was fine with me not going back to the doctor. He said that I was right that I knew my body better than any doctor could, and that I was right meds wouldn't take care of the root of the problem.

I replied with, "What do you think I should do? So I win?" He replied with, "I think you'll find a way to live with it and I'll help in whatever way I can. Yes."

WHOO!!! I WON!!! **Happy Dance!!!**

Never Forget... Always Remember

I remember exactly where I was at on 9/11. I remember how I felt watching the news. I remember the feeling of utter devastation surrounding my family and friends. I can remember with perfect clarity how confused and lost I felt. I remember how scared and worried I was, and still am, for my friends in the military. I can remember all of this, and I never want to forget. 


I have no doubt I will always remember.

Snow Globe

I've been trying to be positive, but in reality I'm a pessimist, a worry wort. Lately, I've been second guessing my gut, which I've never done before. As a matter of fact, I will drive a hundred miles out of my way, if that's what my gut instinct tells me to do. Obviously, I've gotten sick in the past, but, instead of blaming everything else, I just let it roll off my back. I'm sick; at least my immune system is getting strengthened. 

Ever since my RA diagnosis, it's like everything has changed. My whole world, my sense of myself, was turned upside down, shaken like a snow globe, and then flipped back around so the tiny, fragile pieces would fall back into place. But they didn't fall back into place. Instead, everything has been landing haphazardly, and not where they once were. After that trip to the doctor, my whole life has been one upset after another.

I can't relax. I can't help but worry about what's coming next. When am I going to find a job? Should I just go back to school? A puppy? What am I going to do with a puppy? How am I going to afford food? Toys? Vet bills? He needs to be neutered, how can I afford that?  What about my gerbils, cat, and other dog? Will the Boss Man and I be okay? How will the move effect us? Are we going to have time for each other? He's so close, but so far away? Will I What am I going to do? How am I going to do it? Questions and thoughts are racing through my mind, and I can't stop them. I can't relax. I can't think. I can't do anything but worry.

Look, do you see that? What is that thing falling? If you guessed the next piece of my life falling into a place it doesn't belong, you'd be right. I'm having panic attacks. At least once a day for a week. On my list of things to worry about, here's another one. The panic attacks are so bad, everything just shuts down. My whole body starts tingling, my mind goes blank, my heart starts racing, I start shaking uncontrollably, and all I want to do is run, but I'm incapable of moving.

The first time it happened I was driving. I had to pull over onto the side of the road, and try not to lose it completely. I thought I was dying. I can't remember being so scared in my entire life. And then it was over. All traces of panic just fled, and I was left on the side of the road as if nothing ever happened. Now I can't stop worrying about having another attack, or when it'll happen, or where I'll be, which induces another attack.

Now where does that leave me? If you figure it out, let me know. I have no doubt, I'll be okay, eventually. But until that point, I feel like I'm free falling. I know the Boss Man will catch me. I know he's there for me. But I also know he's super busy, and I don't want to bother him. He's aware of everything that's going on, and I'm going to get to see him Sunday, so maybe that'll help.

Alphie

I have an adorable new dog. He's a pekapoo (pekingese and poodle hybrid)! When I sent the picture to the Boss Man he texted back, "Holy freaking crap he's cute." His name is Alphie. Are you ready for the adorableness after the jump?

The Date

Today was the Date. I was running a bit late this morning. I had a bit of a hair emergency. It kept expanding. Curls and humidity, don't mix well. I ended up just putting it in a braid. But we got out the door and on the road only a minute late.

I, unfortuantely wasn't able to finish the skirt. The sewing fates were against me. My sewing machine didn't want to work properly, so I borrowed my mothers, and didn't have a power cord. The Boss Man pardoned me, seeing as it wasn't my fault it didn't get done.

We went to the same restaurant where we first met, and had breakfast. We talked and caught up with each other. We weren't able to make any definite plans to be together, but loosely set a date for next Tuesday. If we won't be able together next week, we will be able to soon. He lives 45 minutes away now. That's insanely close.

After today, I feel a better about the future changes our relationships will undoubtedly go through.

A Touch of Nerves

The date is tomorrow. I'm not a very girly person. I tie my hair up in a knot and leave it like that for days. I wear jeans and t-shirts, if I'm not in pajama pants. I wear absolutely no make-up. However, The Boss Man likes it when I get all dolled up and girlified for him. Nothing crazy, he doesn't like a lot of make up, just a little bit. Boss Man prefers my hair straight, though it's naturally curly. So I try to straighten it for him. He informed me he wanted it curl. **Gasp**

This is where Best Friend comes in. She got all excited when I told her I was curling my hair. She asked if she could do my hair. Of course I agreed! She loves doing hair, and loves my hair. I have awesome hair if I do say so myself. **wink** I told her if I was famous she would be my personal bodyguard and hairstylist. That's besides the point. Come to think of it, I don't really have a point. I'm rambling. I'm a bit nervous.

More than a bit actually. I'm so happy the Boss Man is here, but I'm terrified of how our relationship will change.

One Day

In one day my Boss Man and I will be in the same state. I am extremely excited. And nervous. I think I'm more nervous than excited at the moment. It's been quite awhile since we've seen each other. We're talking 3 months, hence the nerves.

In one week my Boss man and I will be going on a breakfast date. For this date, he's issued an edict. I am to wear one of my tanks and a skirt. Now, I own two skirts, both of which don't fit. Living on a chicken farm, I've not had a reason to buy another skirt. I'm more of a simple jeans and t-shirt kinda gal. My "formal" is khakis and a sweater. If I'm really feeling really frisky, I do own a single LBD. So, I'm gonna pretend I know what I'm doing with my sewing machine, and try to sew one using this pattern.

I haven't asked what's going to happen if I don't wear a skirt. I'm slightly afraid to find out.

Insanity and Cake

This past weekend has been crazy! Let me give you a little bit of background. Saturday was the annual cookout for my karate school. I offered to get to the location (I feel like a spy.) and hold the picnic tables for us. That's really all you need to know before we get started. Here's a day by day blow:

Friday:
I'm trying to take a short nap while Best Friend takes a shower. I receive a text saying my parents are taking my older brother to the hospital. Let me explain about William. He's a very low functioning autistic with other disorders mixed in there. He and I are extremely close.  He also has a ridiculously strong immune system. I can count on one hand the number of times he's been sick. I fretted, generally pacing around and freaking out. I kept trying to tell myself nothing was seriously wrong. Best Friend and I went out to eat, while waiting for my parents to tell me they were at the hospital (we were closer to town than they were). I get the text they've arrived, and meet them at the hospital.

I am informed that I'm to bake three cakes that night. A glance at the clock tells me it's only 7:30, plenty of time to go to the store, take Best Friend out to her boyfriend's house, get home, and make three cakes, while still doing what I needed to get done (i.e laundry and a much needed shower.). Best Friend and I stay until he's taken back to a room. We head out to the store, pick out our cakes (all will be revealed) and icing. We check out and leave.

Earlier in the day, Best Friend, who is very mechanically inclined, noticed my car was driving funny. While we were still at the store, she looked at my tires, while I loaded everything into the car. I was thus informed, that the tread on the front wheel of the driver's side was coming off. She said, it should be fine to get us to the pharmacy, her parent's house, her boyfriend's house, and we'd make him change it, cause we're lazy girly like that.

Off to the pharmacy we go, and all is fine and dandy. The main roads are next and about six miles down the road we get and the tread comes off. Luckily, a gas station was only yards ahead of us. Limping down the road we go, and she starts changing the tire. I have no mechanical ability what so ever. Living where I do, everybody is super friendly. We had no less than five women and seven or eight men ask if we needed help. Each time we answered with, "Nope, we got this." Dirty, grimy, and tired we're off again. We were only about five miles from Best Friend's Parent's house, and everything was fine and dandy. We gathered up everything we needed for the weekend.

Now, here's where the night gets real fun. Best Friend says the doughnut looks flat. Groaning and moaning, we limp off to the gas station closes to her home. We dig around for change because neither of us has any money. We go to put air in the tire, and low and behold the doughnut has popped off the rim. No problem I'm told. It'll be fine, I'm told. And it was, until the valve stem broke. For those of you like me, i.e. completely clueless, the valve stem is the thing used to put air in the tire.

During all this, I'm fielding update text from my parents, and texting slash calling those who need to be updated. The updates are: Doctor thinks appendicitis. Having a CT scan done. Getting contrast now. Now I'm stuck at a gas station, pacing up and down trying to stay calm. Have I mentioned that I had barely slept the night before? Yeah, so not only am I worried, but I'm exhausted too, and when I get exhausted I cry rather easily. The only thing I can do with my nervous energy is cook, A LOT! But that's another story.

Best Friend has been on the phone arranging a ride for us, because her parents are partying. It is Friday night after all. Best Friend's boyfriend is on his way to get us, and it's time for me to call my father. He ask me to come out to the hospital, and he'll take me home, switch out cars, and go back to the hospital.

Best Friend's boyfriend arrives, and drives us to the hospital. As soon as we park, the next update comes in: It's appendicitis. He has surgery in the morning. Now another glance at the clock, and it's almost eleven. Lovely. But still plenty of time! Dad insists on stopping for food. 11:45 rolls around and we get home.

Saturday:
Little Brother and Nana chip in to help me with the cakes, and it doesn't take as long as it would. Once the last cake hits the oven, I start laundry. The cake and washer finish about the same time. Everything is now sitting out to dry and cool. Once the cake is cool, I put lids on the pans, and Little Brother carries the icing and knives out to the car. Cake gets a little weird the longer the icing sits on it. I've done enough that I'm no longer as jittery, but still I can't sleep. So I watch TV.

About 6:30, I finally get my long awaited shower. I know I should have taken one earlier, but I couldn't drag myself off the couch. I get out, and make sure everything's loaded up, and then Little Brother and I leave. We stop for ice and then unpack everything at the picnic spot.And then we sit and wait and wait and wait and wait. At 8, Best Friend and boyfriend show up, and I get another update: William's in surgery. Will let you know when he's out.

The nervous energy has come back with a vengeance and I start icing the cake. The double chocolate fudge cake gets chocolate butter-cream icing. The french vanilla cake gets the cream cheese icing. The strawberry cake gets the strawberry icing. Finally, O'Sensei, the man who created our style of karate, gets there, and starts grilling. Best Friend and I are wrangled into hostessing, which we are very good at, by the way. We successfully juggled food, kids, parents, and picnic critters.

And then THE text: William's out of surgery, everything went great! He might get to come home tonight. A sigh of relief from everyone there (we're a big ole family), and I start to enjoy myself. Where we were located has a wildlife education center. All the kids where chopping at the bit to go up there, but we insisted they wait. Nobody goes anywhere alone or without an adult.

We wrangle all 30 of the kids together. There are three adults going, Best Friend, a parent, and myself. Do the math on that one. We march off, and are successful in keeping everybody together. Of course, it helps when you have the weight of a Grandmaster in the martial arts behind you. Everything went well, until we got back to the picnic site.

A text saying William's temperature is going up, and the doctors are considering keeping him overnight. I start handing out slices of cake until the rush is over. Then I start packing up. At this point there are only a handful of people left. Then I went to the hospital, where I promptly fell asleep. Dad ended up driving us home and took a nap. William's temp went back down, and they let him come home.

Then a crazy storm blew up and we lost all power for several hours.

Sunday:
I'm woken up at the butt crack of dawn to go fix my car. A trip to the gas station, Wal-mart, back to the gas station, home, back to Wal-mart and it's all fixed.


The past couple of days have been so busy, I sorta forgot about the Boss Man. I hadn't been doing a very good job of keeping in touch, but I did remember to send him text with updates and changes in my location. We're both doing much better at staying in contact.

Our plans for breakfast keep evolving, and I'm excited for our date. :D I can't wait to be able to see him whenever we want!

Frolicking Butterflies

The Boss Man and I are going out on a breakfast date Tuesday the 30th. **Insert squeals of excitement here** I can't believe he's going to be so close so soon. I am insanely happy. As a matter of fact, last night I had dreams of butterflies frolicking in fields of rainbows. I'm so happy, my own dreams are making me nauseous. :P

Best Friend looked at me a couple of days ago and said, "I know you're excited, but your enthusiasm is killing my angst. I need my angst, so cut it out, will ya?" Gotta love best friends.

But back to Tuesday the 30th. This will be the first time we've seen each other in person in months! I'm not as crazy nervous as I was. The Boss Man has really helped with that. He promised that he would try to do better about keeping in touch when we're apart. As a matter of fact, he's been super sweet. He sends me all sorts of lovey dovey text messages throughout the day, and he's been letting me know if he's not going to be able to talk for awhile.

I've also been trying to do better at letting him know where I'm at. I'm a bit spacey at times. I'm gonna blame the artistic creative streak in me. I get in the zone, and everything just falls away. Time stops, the world ceases, and the only thing I'm aware of is what I'm currently working on. I'll get up and leave on a whim, lost in my own little world, and forget to tell anybody I'm going anywhere. I've been trying to do better, with some success. There were a couple of times I slipped up. Thankfully, this isn't a punishable offense.

I Wish...

The Boss Man and I had a bit of a... eh, I can't find a word appropriate enough to use. Boss Man has a habit of forgetting to tell me things, and then goes off the grid for hours, while I'm sitting here doing the paranoia thing. A several nights ago, the Boss Man forgot to tell me he was going to a concert. When he goes to concerts, of course, he doesn't text much. On top of that, his phone had died. I hadn't heard from him in almost 12 hours (it was 30 minutes from being twelve hours). Of course I was worried, and I thought the worse. The longer we went without talking, the madder I became. I couldn't understand how he thought this hypocritical behavior was acceptable! I get in trouble all the time for not checking in with him.

I'm was so upset, I couldn't eat, and I LOVE food. I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about these horrible things happening, and I have no way to get to my man. And, then he texted me... I was slightly non responsive, saying things like, "Okay." instead of my usual, "Okies." Then, when he asked me what was wrong, I responded with, "Nothing's wrong. That's a lie, but I'm too mad to talk about it." I told him I didn't want to talk about it while he was gone. I didn't want to ruin his trip because I was upset, and I was slightly afraid I'd say something stupid. But, he kept pushing and pushing. And, I exploded. I finally told him that I didn't care who he was with, or what he was doing. I just wanted to know he was safe.

He let me rant, rave, and cyber-cry all over him. He apologized profusely. When I had calmed down a bit I told him he was sleeping on the couch tonight. I wonder if he'll let me spank him for misbehaving.

Come Home Soon

I've been good with this whole long distance relationship thing. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that when we started our relationship. I'm a quiet person. I like to observe people. In fact, I'm fascinated by people's behavior. My aunt had her annual Independence Day cookout yesterday, and everyone there was paired off, except for my aunt, six year old cousin, and myself.


I'm so happy that my family's happy. I'm so grateful that everyone has someone to love, someone to hold them at night. But I'm also extremely jealous. I don't get to have my man with me. I don't get to have somebody to whisper to at family functions. I don't get to be held at night. And I've been fine with that.


But now the Boss Man will be 45 minutes away in six weeks. Why am I not happy about this? Why have I been crying myself to sleep every night before the past two weeks? I have been fine with the months of separation between those few and far between visits. Now I have six weeks to go, and I've been questioning this whole relationship. Am I just nervous?


SheDaisy has this song, Come Home Soon, and I have always loved it. I heard it a couple of days ago for the first time in a long time, and it struck me like never before. I've kind of made it my motto. Here are the lyrics if you're interested:


I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed


I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same
bright star


I wonder, I pray


I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)


I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray


I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon

Come home soon
Come home soon


I've been waiting for our turn to dance for so long now. Our turn is coming up soon, and I don't know if I'm ready for it. I don't know if I'll make it through these next six weeks. I want to be home. I want him to come home to me. I want him.

Slightly Scary Conversation

Most of our conversations are over the phone, or through text, MSN Messenger, and Skype. We were talking about a previous conversation in which Best Friend told the Boss Man the meaning of best friend. (Best friend means crazy lesbian by the way.) I jokingly said he would enjoy it if we were lesbians together, and he said no. But I know him better than that.

Me: I know, but you lied to me. That's a greater you know.
Boss Man: Oh is it?
Me: It is!
Boss Man: You're cute.
Me: ... I'm cute? I don't think that's an appropriate response.
Boss Man: Sammie says hi. And licks you. Well she licked the screen. So I figured that counts.
Me: Hi Sammie. Now, back to the conversation.
Boss Man: I lubbs you.
Me: I lubbs you too. Stop changing the subject.
Boss Man: Kay. How did I lie to you?
Me: You said you didn't think it would be hot if Best Friend and I went at it.
Boss Man: I don't. I mean maybe.
Me: Mmkay. Lying is a greater though. I need to come up with a punishment for you.
Boss Man: Now where did you get this idea that you get to punish me?
Me: Uh... Copper says hi and curls up between us.
Boss Man: You're both cute.

Now all this was said in jest, but I did get a little nervous there at the end. Best Friend and I would never go at it. But you should see the looks we when we're in public. It's become a running joke between the two of us.

Boss Man and Best Friend

Every single day I second guess everything about our relationship. Yesterday was especially rough. The Boss Man was travelling, driving for eight hours. Which I'm perfectly fine with. But he didn't text, call, use smoke signals. His end of the phone line was silent from 11:33 to 8:49. Eight hours and sixteen minutes, 496 minutes. All that time and not a peep. Now, I'm a paranoid worry wart and all these bad things started playing through my head. I can't help it. I picture the worst case scenario and make it ten times worse than it all ready is.

Being Tuesday, my best friend in the entire world, who I will probably tell about ttwd sometime in the future, teach karate. She was staying with her boyfriend, who lives three miles from my house, so I went to pick her up. She knew something was wrong immediately. We've known each other twenty years. After the junior class was over, we made plans with my dad to get ice-cream, and then left to do our shopping. While we were out and about, she finally weaseled the fact that I hadn't heard from him. My girl called him and left him a message. About thirty minutes later, after we were leaving McDonald's with my dad, he texted me.

Flash forward to my phone dying, and a not so happy text message conversation on her phone with him, and I was a mess. I didn't make the evening fun for her, and for that I'm sorry. But I tried so hard to keep it together. My friend and I were sitting in my car as I was getting ready to leave, and I finally lost it. I was so upset. I told her I didn't think I could wait until August, and that I couldn't do this anymore.

She looked at me and said, "You have two months left. You've waited three years to be together, and gone through more shit than I can imagine, and now you're going to give up. If I could grow wings, and fly us down there, I'd hand you over to him to beat your ass." I laughed through the sniffles, thinking if only she knew. I will one day tell her. Probably in several, several years, and she will hug me, roll her eyes, and accept me for who I am. Because that's what we've always done.

I'm glad she'll look me in the eye and tell me when I'm being a complete idiot. I'm glad I have somebody on my side even though she doesn't know it yet. It made yesterday a whole hell of a lot easier. He will be here in two months. I can make it that long, because neither my Boss Man nor my Best Friend, will let me be stupid enough to walk away. Maybe she's on his side after all...

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

I have not started the count down yet, but it will be happening soon. My Boss Man will be up here the 23rd of August!!! And I'll see him sometime the next week, I hope!

We were talking about a lot of things. He's really focusing hard on school, that comes first, and I'm fine with that of course. I told him, I just didn't want him to forget about me. He has a tendency to get tunnel vision and focus solely on one thing, letting everything else fall to the side. He told me he wasn't going to forget me cause I am his baby girl, and we're going to be able to have a normal relationship with dates and everything. :)

That's when I realized he would be able to start chipping away at that pesky D.O.G. So much for a normal relationship. Not that I'm complaining. Yet.

I love everything about him, and I can't wait to be with him. I can't wait to show him everything that's important to me, that he hasn't gotten to see. I can't wait to take him to karate to meet my O'Sensei, to watch me teach, and everything else. I can't wait to go on double dates with my bestest, and oldest friend, in the whole world, and her man. I can't wait to get in trouble in person. Oh, never mind, that can wait. :P As a matter of fact, so can the D.O.G punishments that need to be caught up.

Dear Self,
Learn to shut up.
Sincerely,
Me.

As if that will help.

August

I just looked at a calendar today. I mean really looked at it. I was trying to schedule a doctor's appointment, and in the middle of the lobby, I did a gimped up happy dance. In a little over two months, my Boss Man is going to be 30 minutes away. I think that's worthy of a gimped up happy dance, and I didn't even care about the stares I received.

Now I just have to remember not to wish the time away.

Hail

It's been awhile, hasn't it. The last several months have been insanely busy. Things between the Boss Man and I were strained for a long, long while. I revealed to him something I've kept hidden for two years. We haven't discussed talking about it on the blogs yet, so I'll just say it was stupid of me to hide it. I finally told him and excepted what he had to say. I'll also say that for awhile, I wasn't sure he'd stay with me. I was sure he was going to break things off. After the incident, things were still strained between us. In fact, as of last week, I still felt separated from him.

I can't speak for the Boss Man; I can only speak for myself. I braved the 7 hour trip to see him on Thursday. I was dreading the trip. It was the first time we had seen each other since the incident. I still felt like I was on rocky ground with him. So, I traveled through torrential downpours and a hail storm* to get to my Boss Man. He wrapped me in his arms. I felt so much better after I saw. I spent the entire weekend with him and his family.

It was a lot of fun.

We've also decided to table ttwd until we can have a safer place, and a closer relationship. I'm not complaining in the slightest. That's only the tip of the ice burg.

* I really was caught in torrential downpours and hail. I was caught on the side of the interstate during a hail storm. It was terrifying. Every time it started raining, I was stuck in truck stops.

Delicate Flower

I realize my Boss Man and I haven't blogged about our trip yet, but it's coming. We've just been super busy. As a matter of fact, I'm falling asleep as I type this. So I hope it makes sense.

My Boss Man and I had gone into the city to do some errands. He wanted to stop at Best Buy before we headed back home. I saw an Office Depot, and I asked if I could run in there real quick, and meet him in Best Buy. Honestly, I expected a flat out no. On our trips, my Boss Man likes to keep me close to his side so he can watch over me (because I'm such a delicate flower). But to my great surprise, he said yes. He dropped me off in front of Office Depot, and I looked around for a bit.

When I left, I walked the few feet to Best Buy, hunted for my Boss Man, but couldn't find him. I started to panic. I have no idea why. I knew he was safe in the store somewhere, but I let my imagination run wild with me. I let myself get paranoid. I swore there was someone following me. Finely, I called him, and directed me toward him. He grabbed my hand, and I snuggled against him, happy to be home.

Screw the Butterflies

In a matter of hours, I'm going to be in my Boss Man's arms again. I've primped and purtied myself as much as I can primp and get purty. I look like a girl again in fact. All I have left to do is my hair, and I refuse to make my hair pretty before I go to work.

There are butterflies in my stomach, and frogs, lots and lots of frogs. Screw the butterflies. The frogs consumed them all jumping around like crazy. I don't know why I get so nervous. I know, as soon as he walks threw the door and wraps his arms around me, everything will be perfect. Better than perfect, in fact it will be stupendously amazingly awesomely awesome. And I can't wait.

I can't wait for him to whisper in my ear that he loves me. I can't wait for him to wrap his arms tight around me. I can't wait to hear his laugh. I can't wait to see him smile at me when he thinks I'm not looking. I can't wait to hold his hands. I can't wait to put both my hands into one of his.

I can't wait to be home again.

Hyperventilating

I get to see him on Saturday!!!

Better Than I

My Boss Man is coming to see me next weekend. =D Finally. We've been apart for several months, and it sucks. What sucks even more is the problem I have. I have a tendency to become very snappish, and to create problems before he gets here, as I said in my last post.

The Boss Man and I were talking a few nights ago, and I asked what he'd planned for the trip. He told me he hadn't planned much, but we were going to do one of the punishments I've racked up. I got to thinking about it, and I think, I'd be less likely to act out if my punishments were immediate. Then I realize I'd probably still be my stubborn, hard-headed self.

The last few days have been particularly hard. I haven't gotten much done, haven't had much time to breathe, let alone do anything. In the past three days, I've been sick, hit a neighbor's dog, and pulled the muscles in my right thigh. I can still barely walk on it. Being sick had nothing to do with hitting the neighbor's dog, but hitting the neighbor's dog had everything to do with pulling the muscles in my thigh. The dog is okay by the way; she didn't even have any broken bones. :) During all this, I did some major screaming and yelling at my Boss Man.

When I finally asked how much trouble I was in, he said, "None." I'm glad, but I still feel terrible for the way I was treating him. Now, I have proof that my Boss Man is a much better person than I am. Instead of holding a grudge like I would, he stayed up late for me last night, and sang me to sleep.

The Boss Man is an incredible musician and singer. He has the most amazing voice. He hasn't sung for me in awhile. He hasn't sung in general in awhile. It was nice to hear. I was able to fall asleep listening to my song, the song he wrote for me.

Thank you, baby, and I'm sorry for the way I've been acting the last few days.

No One To Blame

I have no reason to feel like this. With everything going on, I should be happy. Everything is going my way for once, but there's something, rather someone, missing. The last couple of days, the Boss Man and I haven't had much time to talk, and I can feel it. I can feel the emptiness between us. I know this rift is caused by me.

In 12 days, the Boss Man and I will be together, and I'll be able to curl up in his arms and get a full nights sleep since the last time we were together. The closer the 19th gets here, the more anxious I get. Worries that I'm not going to be how he remembers me crowd my head. Worries that I'm not going to be pretty enough or good enough push through my common sense. The more worried and afraid I get, the more stubborn and cantankerous I become. Instead of picking fights with the Boss Man, which I have a history of doing, I pull away.

This is how I know I'm the one causing the rift in our relationship. It's my own damned fault, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I know, logically, I'm perfect for the Boss Man, but people are not logical. I know when the Boss Man gets here, he'll wrap his arms around me, pull me in close, kiss me passionately, and all other thoughts slash worries slash everything will fly right out the window. I know when the Boss Man gets here, everything will be okay. I know this logically, but emotionally I'm going to push and push and push until he gives me space, or I rip my space from his hands forcefully.

I have no reason to feel so torn up about his visit. I know everything is going to be fine, and I know if I'd stop this awful circle I'm caught in, everything will be fine, but here I am spinning like a hamster in a wheel.

And now I'll stop rambling. :)

A Side of Spanko

This morning, after giving a link to these two new blogs to my Boss Man, he said "Hair brush is a good idea." Now me, not being a morning person, was utterly confused, so I asked, "Why?" His response? "Well, if you used the barbed side it could be pretty brutal." Insert sound of jaw hitting floor and me back peddling, real quick.

I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Why? What did I do? I don't think I've gotten in trouble in a few days." The little hamsters were spinning away trying to figure out just why I'd need a hairbrush, and I believe they did, but that's another post for another time.

So this morning, with my breakfast, I got a free side of spanko. Good morning and have a wonderful day ladies and gents.

SugarAnne and B'Man

SugarAnne and B'Man has such a lovely ring to it. I was orginally going to comment on these posts, but when I couldn't decide just where my comment should go, I switched over to writing this post.

SugarAnne, you were the first TTWD blog I ever read. I laughed and cried and thought long and hard as I was reading your account of your TTWD experience. As I read through your blog in just two days, I knew TTWD was what I wanted, rather, what I needed. I gathered courage from the shadows of your blog, and ventured over to B'Man's blog.

B'Man, as I read through your blog, I realized something else. I wasn't being the person I should be for my Boss Man. I read through your blog almost as fast as SugarAnne's. I devoured every recounting of, well, everything. You're humorous posts made it easier for me to bring up DD with the Boss Man. I know he read both your blogs.

The two of you have become such an inspiration to us.

Thank you B'Man and SugarAnne for allowing us inside your TTWD experience. I'm truly sorry and upset to see the curtain close on your blogs, and I will eagerly await for the time you decide to write something more.

Thank you.

Sautéed Mushrooms

I talked to the arthritis doctor like the Boss Man wanted. Now, I'm on a different med. One in which I have to take four pills a day. I have not once heard of this medicine, but up until August, I was a healthy person. Now my body hates me, and is destroying my joints.

While researching this medicine I found several side effects:

Headache: Great, more migraines...
Loss of Appetite: Uh... Didn't I already go through this?
Nausea: Ditto...
Vomiting: What's making this any better than the other med?
Anemia: Wait just a minute folks! I'm already anemic, so why am I taking this?
Severe depression in young males: WHOO!!! Something I don't need to worry about!

And one more thing I found out: This medicine isn't even for arthritis. Yeah, that's right, I'm taking a medicine that helped a small handful of people that have rheumatoid symptoms. Lovely. Here's an upside: This medicine won't cause my eyes to harden and me to go blind; nor will it leave me paralyzed. I just have to have blood work done every two weeks for a short time, and then every three months. Yeah, just what I wanted.

The Boss Man is going to help me remember to take my pills. I'm thinking, I'm not going to want to forget, he hasn't told me what's going to happen if I do, but I've been imagine all sorts of awful things. Wish me luck. :)

Long Term Long Distance

In less than a month, the Boss Man will be in the same state as me!!! In less than a month, the Boss Man will be less than an hour from me!!! And you know what? In seven months, my Boss Man will be less than an hour from  me for a really long time. Though, I think long is more than two weeks, which is roughly the time we usually get to spend with each other in the summer.

This long term long distance relationship doesn't suck, and it isn't horrible, like I usually believe it is. But I've been thinking quite a bit, and I've decided this long term long distance relationship is perfectly fine. It's not ideal, but there is nothing wrong with it. At least I can still see (through the wonders of Skype) and talk to my Boss Man. I love our long term long distance relationship. It's as much a part of us, as my Boss Man and I are a part of us.

I don't want our relationship to stay like this forever. I miss being held, and I miss hearing the Boss Man whisper inappropriate things in my ear and me trying not to giggle as people pass by us. But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid for our relationship to change...

Just Chattin'

The Boss Man and I have agreed to wait until we've been together for at least a month before starting the chipping away of the DoG. I do believe the DoG is over 5 hours. I am a very bad girl.

Boss Man: I can't wait to spank you again.
Me (wailing): Why?!?
Boss Man: Not a punishment spanking. A slap and tickle.
Me (very much relieved): Oh, okies!

Boss Man has given me a new nickname. He's calling me kitten. I asked him about it and this happened:

Boss Man: Hey kittengirl.
Me: No. Really, no.
Boss Man: Oh?
Me: I'm not a kitten girl.
Boss Man: You're my kittengirl.
Me: No. How?
Boss Man: Well, you've got a nice, soft little tail.
Me: I don't...
Boss Man: Yuppers you do. I'm always the one feeling it up, I think I'd know. And boy is it ever nice and soft.

Much blushing went on during that.

Something Short

I miss him...

Even More Shit That's About To Hit The Fan

I have to admit something, something I haven't even told the Boss Man yet. But he's going to find out soon, when I post this. Oh, the trouble I'll be in...

For almost two months now, I haven't taken my arthritis medicine. I've started taking it again though! Like last night. I couldn't remember why I had stopped taking it, until this morning. It makes me sick to my stomach, tired, very very bitchy, and oh yeah, it kills my appetite.

When I was taking it, back before I got sick, I'd gone almost five days without eating. I had no desire to eat. I felt full all the time. My body never complained with the lack of food. If it wasn't for a very close friend of mine shoving food down my throat, I would've starved. When I would eat, I'd be sick to my stomach.

The reason I think of this is because, I haven't eaten all day. I'm not anorexic; I love food like you wouldn't believe. I'm exhausted, I haven't eaten, and I'm going to work out for three hours tonight. I know I need to make myself eat, but thinking about it is sending me into dry heaves already. My doctor said, the last time I talked to him, that this was normal. My body attacking itself is not normal. My body telling me food is bad is not normal.

I just want to be normal again...

While it Lasted...

Like B'Man and SugerAnne the Boss Man and I spent a good bit of time talking about nothing. It was great and wonderful. We'd been flying high on that nothingness intimacy for the past couple of days, and it was great and wonderful, while it lasted...

Today, I had to go and open my big, fat, stupid mouth. Last night I was kind of grumpy, and the Boss Man left me to myself and my thoughts, which it's best when I'm in a mood. But today, today was more than a mere mood. To day the bitch that is me roared my ugly head.

So when I opened my big, fat, stupid mouth and snapped at my Boss Man, he gave me 15 more minutes on the DoG.

Happy New Year

You know, I've never understood the hype of New Year's. I just don't get the excitement of something that happens every day. The clock strikes midnight every single night. I do, however, like the idea of a starting out on a clean slate. I like the idea of starting out fresh and new with all the bad things I've done and thought washed away. I like the idea of being a purer me.

Every year I set New Year's resolutions, but I'm not doing it this year. I'm setting goals. Goals that are not just for the New Year, but for the whole year. These goals aren't (I hope) goals I'm going to just give up after the New Year is over.

My first goal is to be better for the Boss Man. I want to be a better girlfriend, best friend, be a better whatever he needs. Lately, I've been very, eh, bad. I've been letting everything dictate how I feel, and that's been causing me to be more snappish than usual.

My second goal is to learn how to sew. I don't know why I'm so crazed over learning to sew. Well, that's not entirely true. I do know why I want to sew. I'm fascinated with the idea of taking nothing and making something. I can already knit. I want to be able to take fabric and make pretty things to wear because The Boss Man likes it when I look girly.

My third goal is to be more patient. In seven-ish months the Boss Man will be here. He won't just be the voice on the other end of the phone. He won't just be the person on my computer screen when we Skype. He won't just be text on my MSN screen. He will be here. We will be together every weekend. We, I, will be home.

My fourth and final goal is to go back to school. Because of my arthritis, I had to quit. I was going to go back to school this January, but my manager refused to work around a school schedule. During the fall I'm going to go back. I'm going to get my degree. With that degree I am going to open up my dream store.

These aren't New Year's Resolutions; these are my 2011 goals. I know the Boss Man will help me with these. He already is.

Happy New Year everyone!